chosen family revisited
I’ve always been captured by the idea of family. But growing up in a family with some dysfunction —like many of our families—can skew your idea of what the word family actually means.
As I grew older, got married, and fell in love with the Body of Christ, many people in my church felt like family to me. But often, my affection for my church family was often seen as a betrayal by my blood family.
I have two adult children by birth, two women who joined our family as older teens, and three children-in-law that I love dearly. In our living room there is a long string of letters on the wall. Initials of our nuclear family—the people that we open presents with on Christmas morning and do monthly family dinners with. Our chosen family members now outnumber the blood family members in that string of letters. And we are richer because of that.
Over the years, we’ve had a number of people live in our house for various amounts of time. As they’ve moved on, they have retained a house key, extending our family circle a bit further.
I’ve spent a lot of time this past year thinking about what it means to be a part of a family, what the responsibilities are as well as the rights.
Jesus explained that His family are those who are about doing the Father’s will. Jesus clearly seemed to be saying that those people had a special relationship to Him. He called them family. Based on this, I believe that those people passionately following Christ have a closeness with me that defies blood relationships. I can think of a handful of people right this instant whose love for Jesus draws me into deeper relationship with them. I want to be like them. I want them to be a model to me.
Jesus had chosen family alongside His blood family. So should I.
I am someone who is passionate about the Church being family to both single people and LGBTQ people. Genuine family, committed beyond Sunday morning. Committed through conflict and pain. Committed to doing life together long-term. Committed, and determined to stay that way.
Where do we see that modeled around us? Divorce, adultery, and fractures in families that result in withdrawn communication or no communication are the norm. We certainly do not want to pattern our lives and families after much of what we see around us.
So I look to God’s pattern throughout the Bible.
He chose the Israelites to be His people. I have also chosen people to be “my people.” Some of them are blood relations, many of them are not.
He remained committed to them regardless of their failings and failures to follow Him. I work to remain committed because of Him, not because of what individual people seem to deserve.
He loves and pursues His people because He values them. I want to value people and pursue them, because I want to look like my heavenly Dad.
He planned to bless them and planned to provide for them, though often at great cost to Himself. I want to seek to be a blessing and to love with a love that costs me something.
God commits to forgive, to pursue, to work to restore. I have a responsibility to forgive, to pursue, and to seek reconciliation and restoration.
God’s pattern is one of pursuing, committing, including, and being faithful.
As we grow in our imitation of Christ, our churches should look like large family gatherings where newcomers have to ask who belongs with whom because we are so blended. This kind of unity reflects God’s heart. This kind of unity testifies to a world crying out for belonging that Jesus’ love is real and legitimate. This kind of unity is only accomplished through the bond of the Spirit.
But it will not happen accidentally. Most true godliness in us doesn’t happen by accident. We work at it. We pursue it. We fail and get back up. We have to want it badly, or it will get set aside when it gets hard.
I was joking with my son today about what he had “inherited” from our longtime single friend, Mike, during his growing up years. We spent so many hours together that Mike impacted our kids in really significant ways. You can read more about it here. But my point is that married couples and families have a lot to gain from our single friends and vice versa. I have learned so much.
What about you? Does your nuclear family crowd out others from being a significant part of your life? Is there margin and time in your life for these relationships? What does chosen family mean in your life? What would you like it to mean in the future?
What about your church? Are single people valued, involved in meaningful areas of service, and a part of leadership? Do you see examples of expanded families?
Psalm 68 tells us that God plants the lonely in families. My prayer is that we would be a part of seeing that realized in our sphere of influence.