raise your hand if...
I believe with all that is in me that life change happens in the context of relationship.
How many of you have been influenced to make a change in your life by hearing from someone else about how they changed that area?
Wow- look at all the hands go up!
Because we’ve all found this to be true, you think we would all be seeking people out on booths ends: those a little further along than us to learn from them, and those not quite as far as us to allow them to learn.
The fancy word would be discipleship. I usually call it ‘walking alongside someone’.
Sitting. Walking. Beverage in hand. On the river in a kayak.
What does it look like to walk alongside someone? This is one of the most common questions that I get asked by people once they learn a bit about my life.
I like the imagery of walking because it reminds me of 1 John where it says that we are to “walk in the light as He is in the light”.
Look for the light. Walk in the light. Walk in the light with others.
And because many of the people that I walk alongside either identify along the LGBTQ spectrum, even though some would not choose those identifiers, church folk tend to have a lot of thoughts about who and how I should walk. When is far enough? Who is pursuing godliness and what does that look like? What does change look like for the person experiencing attraction to the same sex, or those with gender dysphoria?
Housed within this question are several lines of thinking that I’d love to parse out.
The first thought is the idea of a complete orientation change from homosexual to heterosexual. I’ve written previously on this topic and my desire for the church to do some brain work in this area.
A subset of the above would be the question: “what are we calling change”? Is it a sexual orientation shift? Is it a holiness shift? Is it an identity shift? The idea of holiness versus heterosexuality is also good to dig into.
It’s honestly taken me several years to really embrace the idea that God intends my time to be spent primarily in these alongside relationships. It can feel not productive. I sometimes think (wrongly) that other people have real jobs and I just talk to people. I see that (most of the time :) for the lie that it is. And I’m much more receptive to the Holy Spirit’s voice saying, ‘this person’, ‘walk alongside this person’.
But what about the idea of ‘how long’ and ‘who’ do you walk with? Can I opt out of a relationship and stop walking alongside someone? Do I need a goal as I walk alongside someone? Should I have a goal?
In our church staff meeting a few weeks ago we dug into the passage in 1 Corinthians chapter 5 regarding the immoral brother in the church. Paul says to the church in Corinth, “with such a person, do not even eat.” His counsel is that for the person calling themselves a believer but living an immoral life, to have no deep fellowship with that person.
For years, I’ve wondered about this passage, read commentaries, and asked for counsel. I’ve had pastors joke with me saying, “so just have coffee, don’t get dinner”, when I asked regarding a specific person I was in relationship with who was involved in sexual sin.
Paul actually says:
9 When I wrote to you before, I told you not to associate with people who indulge in sexual sin. 10 But I wasn’t talking about unbelievers who indulge in sexual sin, or are greedy, or cheat people, or worship idols. You would have to leave this world to avoid people like that. 11 I meant that you are not to associate with anyone who claims to be a believer yet indulges in sexual sin, or is greedy, or worships idols, or is abusive, or is a drunkard, or cheats people. Don’t even eat with such people.
Over the years, I’ve come to peace with Paul in this area. I’d like to share my ‘take home’ thoughts in bullet form, so as to not get long winded!
Paul is making a distinction between unbelievers/those outside of the church, and those inside the church identifying as a believer.
Paul also includes, besides the sexually immoral, those who are greedy, those who cheat people, those who worship anything other than the One True God (money, fame, position, power, people, etc…), those who abuse others, and those who are characterized by drunkenness.
He is clear in saying that there are those people who identify as a believer whose lives are not consistent with that claim. Can I know for sure their heart? No, I don’t think so. But I can see with my eyes who is pursuing holiness and who is not.
Elsewhere, Paul is clear that we all sin. As a believer loving and pursuing Jesus, I sin daily. So there seems to be a distinction between those who sin and those who indulge in sin.
In the times that this letter was written, and still in many parts of the world, inviting someone into your home to have a meal demonstrated intimacy in relationship, or a desire for fellowship and mutual building up of each other.
My overall conclusion: I need to avoid deep fellowship with those people calling themselves a Christian and living a life where sin is satisfying, where sin fulfills and is satiating, and where sin is given free rein (all synonyms for indulgent). I John clarifies this by discussing people who are walking in the light versus walking in the darkness. This takes some time and discerning certainly, but I want to be able to assess whether or not someone is pursuing a Godly life.
I have limited days and hours. I want to invest my hours and days primarily with those who are showing evidence of walking in the light and pursuing godliness in their lives.
Evangelicals, in particular, are often dinged for pointing out sexual sin in those outside of the church and ignoring sin in our midst. This ought not to be. God calls us to be a pure and holy bride waiting for His return. We should be working this purity and holiness out in the bodies that we are a part of.
Church discipline should be a “thing” that happens with deep love and concern, and a desire to see someone turn from their sin and be restored to fellowship. As a body, we must discern those who are allowing sin to reign in their lives unconcerned versus those who desire to have the Spirit reign in them. This has to do with other believers in our church bodies.
But individually, I also must discern those whose hearts are hard and are finding pleasure in their sin versus those seeking genuine relationship with Jesus that involves putting our sin in the light and allowing the Spirit to move us towards repentance and holiness.. It’s a Spirit thing, really. Only the Spirit can change us, so there is no pressure on me maintaining a relationship if someone has no desire for the things of God.
Should I crap on them? No.
Should I care about them? Yes.
But in my finite amount of time, I want to invest in those who are wanting to faithfully pursue knowing Jesus and loving Him with their lives.
And just like me, they will sin and stumble. They may spend time with a dry heart because of pain and confusion in their lives. But overall they have lives where light is walked in and wanted.
It’s not a black and white situation for sure. I've made many relational and discipleship errors.
We can always look for the light.
If you are challenged by these thoughts, consider sharing this in whatever social media stream you swim in. It will take many of us together to see change in our churches.