on wise words...
While watching The Return of the King and listening to King Theoden’s charge to the army, I reflected on how much we all desire to be led by strong and good leaders. At least, I long to be led most of the time rather than to lead.
Sometimes, unlikely people are called on to lead. That is me.
Like in the final battle with the armies of Mordor, when one small hobbit races out- it challenges the honor of the others and everyone races forward. (That’s pretty dramatic, I realize, but we live in trying times)
Today on Twitter, someone called me homophobic. And while I chuckle at the drama of that statement, it comes from a place of deep hurt. Hurt that has been inflicted, often times, by the church that I love.
So while I will not engage in a back and forth dialogue about whether or not I’m homophobic- I do want to bring about a different dialogue.
A dialogue which draws the church to a place of repentance and sorrow for the ways that we have hurt people. Most people I know at church desires their spaces to be welcoming and loving, and many have only a surface awareness of the deep rift between the LGBTQ community and the church. It’s only through an increased awareness can we bring about a change, a turning around ( the definition of repentance), and potentially restored relationship.
Where do we even start? The obstacles seem almost insurmountable. But someone recently reminded me that my responsibility is “as much as it is possible for me”. I am accountable for myself- and likewise you for yourself. We are going to spend a few weeks looking at some of the obstacles in front of us and also pose some ideas for change.
This week’s obstacle is terminology or language.
Why is this an obstacle? Simply because we in the church use language either inaccurately or often offensively and this should starle us.
If we want to communicate genuine care and love for the LGBTQ community inside as well as outside of our walls, we need to:
learn accurate language, become educated, and
use it appropriately- which will take practice.
I’m going to just give a list of terms and definitions. These are not dictionary definitions, but worked on by myself and a friend. If this seems simple- skip to another post!
And if you are thinking, “why should I need to learn a new language, this is a small percent of the population”- remember that Jesus inhabited a human body for 33 years to help us understand that God loves us and is running after us wanting a relationship. Certainly we can learn to use language appropriately to send the same message.
Read slowly and think about the following terms.
Affirming: The view that the Bible allows for same sex marriage.
Attractions: Desires towards another person. Can be subdivided into types of attraction such as physical, emotional, sexual, intellectual, relational, etc… Often grouped as a desire for either the same gender or the opposite gender.
Biological sex: Physical characteristics of being male or female (typically with reference to chromosome, gonads, sex hormones, reproductive anatomy and external genitalia). About 0.1% of people are born with indistinct physical sex characteristics and are considered intersex.
Bisexual: A word used to describe people who experience attractions to both the same and opposite sex persons.
Cisgender: People who do not experience any disconnect with their biological sex. When one’s emotional experience of gender matches up with their birth sex. i.e. Born female/feels female.
Gay: A word used to describe people who experience attractions to the same sex. (Can be used for males and females, whereas the word lesbian is exclusively used for females.)
Gender: Similar to biological sex, people are born gendered (in 99.9% of cases), but also includes the psychological, social and cultural aspects of being male or female. This definition is debated today, and many Americans think that gender is a completely cultural construct and one’s gender can be chosen.
Gender dysphoria: The experience of distress associated with incongruence between one’s birth/biological sex and one’s psychological and emotional gender identity. (Do some reading to understand the nuance between the statements “I am trans “ and “I experience gender dysphoria”)
Gender identity: How a person experiences themselves as male or female, including how masculine or feminine a person feels.
Gender roles: Adoption of cultural expectations for maleness and femaleness. This changes from culture to culture, while some is transcendent (laid out in scripture).
Historical Christian view of marriage: Teaches that God’s plan for marriage is one man/one woman for life. Also known as non-affirming.
Homosexual: Gay, a person sexually attracted to members of their own sex. (Regarded as derogatory when used as a noun)
Identity: How one defines themselves - a Christian, gay, cisgender, mother, teacher, white, biracial, female, etc…
Lesbian: A word used to describe a woman who experiences attractions to other women.
LGBTQ+: Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer and others
Nuance: A subtle difference of meaning, expression or sound.
Queer: An umbrella term for sexual minorities or those who may identify as LGBTQ+. Also a term used by some LGBTQ+ people to describe themselves.
Reparative therapy: Psychotherapy aimed at changing a person's homosexuality and based on the view that homosexuality is a mental disorder. This was heavily propagated in the 90’s and is now strongly discouraged by the APA.
Same sex attraction (Same gender attraction): A phrase used commonly by evangelical Christians to describe the experience of being attracted to one’s own gender. Often used to avoid calling one’s self “gay”.
Sexual identity: How a person identifies themselves according to their sexual attractions.
Sexual orientation: The determination of being oriented towards either the same or opposite sex after evaluating attractions for strength, durability and persistence. I.e. heterosexual orientation.
Side A: Christians who are gay (experience same sex attraction) and are affirming.
Side B: Christians who are gay (experience same sex attraction) and hold to a historical Christian view of marriage (male/female).
Straight: Heterosexual. A person sexually attracted to members of the opposite sex.
Transgender: An umbrella term. When one’s experience of gender is not congruent with their biological sex. This experience is a long a continuum and can be expressed in a variety of ways.
Offensive Terminology
Choice/Choose: The idea that one chooses who they are/are not attracted to, or that they choose to feel dis-gendered. Regardless of your belief about the origin of SSA, if the person standing in front of you is attracted to the same gender, they didn’t choose to have these attractions. If the person standing in front of you is attracted to the opposite gender, they also didn’t choose to have those attractions either.
Gay Agenda: Used politically to refer to the pushing and advancement of legislature and philosophy related to the normalizing of same gender relationships/marriage.
Gay Lifestyle: Generally used by Christians to refer to “all that is sinful” about “being gay”. We will hammer home the need to speak in a nuanced way in all of this (and other) conversations. There is no one “lifestyle” that all gay people have - just like there is no one “lifestyle” that all straight people have.
Perhaps what should be said is that this or that person is involved in a same gender relationship, has a same gender partner or is looking to have a non-platonic same gender relationship.
Homosexual: When used as a noun this term is offensive to most people in the LGBTQ+ community.
Love the sinner/Hate the sin: For many who identify as LGBTQ+, there is no sin in their mind in being gay. It is simply who they are. To say that I hate your sin but I love you does not make sense to them. This comes across as “I hate you”. Christians don’t use this distinction for any other sin. No one tells an adulterer that they love them but hate their sin.
Ask yourself two questions:
Is there actual sin going on here? If a person says they are gay it doesn’t necessarily mean that they are sexually active.
Is this person a believer or a non-believer? Each situation requires a different response.
Marriage using air quotes: The sarcasm in the use of air quotes should not need much explaining - don’t do this.
Practicing homosexual: Similar to “gay lifestyle” - this is a weird way Christians have come to talk. What is meant is the belief that a person is sexually active. No one calls straight people “practicing heterosexuals”, so “practicing homosexuals” should not be used either. Perhaps what should be said is that someone is currently in a sexually active same gender relationship.
Please message me if there are terms you think that I am missing, or terms that are defined inaccurately! I love feedback and want to speak precisely and lovingly.
Also- if you enjoy this kind of learning, please forward so that we can spread the message.